Talks, walks, and math

Today was a day of good company. I hung out with a new friend, met up with an old friend, and I even passed a friendly face. Friends are truly a gift from the Big Man Upstairs.

I can still feel it creeping in sometimes. I'm still too far in the situation to have perspective and insight, to see the bigger picture. I sometime wish I could just fast forward to this time next year and be over the painful, tender, and meticulous process of picking up the pieces of your heart.

But I was told by a friend who went through a similar situation that you come out of it stronger, wiser, and even more lovely than before. You can't see the forest from the trees (or something like that). I still can't believe that I may never share that with him, but "things fall apart so better things can fall together"...

Well, I pray for perspective. I don't want anyone to feed it to me, I won't believe it or accept it until I feel it for myself.

I am coming to peace with the idea that there is nothing wrong with me. The Livi-loathing boogie man is wrong. I am beautiful. There is nothing wrong with me.

And another thing. If someone truly loves you, they would not ask you to compromise yourself or your beliefs. As for me, I made the compromise because I loved, but look where that got me? Broken and hurt in ways that I did not foresee. As for the I told you so's, I ignore you. My life, my lessons.

But what about my lesson? Don't compromise your beliefs for anyone, because regret is most haunting. Who are you if your compromise yourself in such a way? You cannot trust someone to protect and honor your beliefs. You must protect yourself.

But how do your protect yourself and still love?

Well...God.

Haha it seems like my common answer huh?

But its most interesting. All things seem to point towards getting to know the Lord and finding self-worth in that. But I am reluctant and I struggle. I get caught up in the rules and the guilt. I wish I could understand and accept the true meaning of the whole thing, the part about Grace and an ever forgiving and loving Father. The one who died for us to free us from the bondage of sin. Haha, I talk like I know, but I still don't full grasp or understand it.

I have the rest of my life though. I need to remember that this is a journey. Know God first, and it will change you in liberating ways. Its fills the void better than alcohol or sex or any of the other things that people fill that emptiness with. Its deep and I believe that it will satisfy the emptiness. Everyone gets tired of the shallow eventually. They will eventually want something deeper and meaningful.

Whew.

Well, Goodnight.