And with this time I am given here on Earth, I want to use it to its full potential.
I want to stuff it with things of meaning. I do not want to waste my time with things that are meaningless.
And I also want to practice rest. Rest in my heart, mind, and soul. I want to learn how to breathe in the message. I want to be at peace.
I would also like to find out what my passion is. Not just the things I like to do in my spare time, but my PASSION. I'm in college, and yeah I am just a freshman, but what is it that would make me look forward to getting up in the morning? What makes me tick? I'm uncertain that I have found it yet, but environmental science is what I have found thus far.
The year 2011 is going to mark a new time for me. I am not going to hold back. I'm going to go after that desired GPA, I am going to "rush", I am going to apply to be a counselor, I am going to volunteer at the church, I AM GOING TO LEARN HOW TO REST!! I want to fill my time in college with things that are good for the soul.
I AM GOING TO GO DANCING!! Those poor cowboy boots are just crying to be danced in.
And I am going to look those strapping young men in the eye and dance with them. And I will have fun. No alcohol needed.
When I kiss the next someone, when I let someone in, it will be for me and in the moment, not to aid in getting over another or any other like agenda. It will be real. It will happen when the time is right. When I am ready.
I am going to go after these things, and what happens after that is God's will. I will trust him.
I feel that we are sometimes called to take that first step, and then God does the rest. Maybe??
Haha what do I know about that, I need to read my bible.
This one was definitely more for me than anything. Thanks for bearing with me.
A good nights sleep: It rarely feels like I get a good nights sleep, even though I can get 8 hours. I still wake up feeling exhausted. I mostly attribute this to college stress. But when I do wake up feeling rested, I feel as if I can do anything!
A black gel ink pen: I love writing notes with this pen. I write in cursive alot and this pen makes my letters look even. Also, the richness of this black contrasts very nicely with the white notebook paper I write on.
A clean piece of notebook paper: This is another one of my favorite things. When you turn a page in your notebook, and you stare at the clean, uncrinkled piece of paper with its blue and pink lines, with the black gel ink pen in hand, I cannot wait to fill it with notes! A clean piece of paper probably motivates me the most when I am about to start studying.
Newly dressed bed: What is better than slipping into fresh sheets after a long day?
Hot Coffee: Enough said.
Singing with your best friend in the Car: I love that when you sing with your best friend in the car...and I mean your BEST friend. There is no judgement on how off key you are or how bad you harmonize. Instead of worrying about getting lyrics wrong, you guys both laugh and go with it. There is no pressure to be perfect. We're just both content in the music and our creativity. You sing your heart out. When you are truly comfortable with someone, you'll sing infront of them.
Howdy! : A good howdy, a smile, and a double-take from a cute corp guy is enough to put a smile on my face for the next 2 minutes. I love the quad.
A good smelling boy: Now, I don't mean that one should take a "french bath" or whatever its called and douse themselves with strong cologne, or worse, axe, but a clean and slightly scented male is always a very good and enjoyable thing. It shows that one cares about their personal hygiene. Also, this welcomes many lingering hugs from females :)
Crochet accessories: They're just pretty and they have a hand-made, hard worked feel.
A good prayer: Its sometimes like talking with your best friend, and afterwards you feel free-er and lighter. When I think of God, I don't think of a glowing dude in robes (sounds like a mix between Edward Cullen and Harry Potter.. EW!!). Have you ever seen Joan of Arcadia? God manifests himself as many different kinds of people: A little girl on a playground, an old woman on a bus, a janitor. Its an interesting concept. I imagine God as a loving figure with wisdom and kindness. He is not about punishment or guilt. He is about grace and understanding and unconditional love.
A little kids hug: I love it when they throw their little arms around your neck and bury their head in your shoulder. They are so innocent and adorable.
Changing of leaves in the Fall: The colors are magnificent. I really feel like God uses some dramatic artistry here. Very nice God.
When my Dog curls next to me and rests his head in my lap: This is especially nice when there is no food present. It means that he really just wants to be with me, not because he knows he can sucker me up and have me feed him.
Holding hands and a head on the shoulder: Its almost a vulnerable gesture, but it is okay. Its resting and finding comfort in another's presence.
Christmas lights: I LOVE driving around at night with hot cocoa, looking at all the neighborhood lights, with christmas music playing in the background.
A soft, light, and tender kiss: One where you can feel the care and love in it.One that makes you dizzy. One that makes you feel cherished.
Today was a day of good company. I hung out with a new friend, met up with an old friend, and I even passed a friendly face. Friends are truly a gift from the Big Man Upstairs.
I can still feel it creeping in sometimes. I'm still too far in the situation to have perspective and insight, to see the bigger picture. I sometime wish I could just fast forward to this time next year and be over the painful, tender, and meticulous process of picking up the pieces of your heart.
But I was told by a friend who went through a similar situation that you come out of it stronger, wiser, and even more lovely than before. You can't see the forest from the trees (or something like that). I still can't believe that I may never share that with him, but "things fall apart so better things can fall together"...
Well, I pray for perspective. I don't want anyone to feed it to me, I won't believe it or accept it until I feel it for myself.
I am coming to peace with the idea that there is nothing wrong with me. The Livi-loathing boogie man is wrong. I am beautiful. There is nothing wrong with me.
And another thing. If someone truly loves you, they would not ask you to compromise yourself or your beliefs. As for me, I made the compromise because I loved, but look where that got me? Broken and hurt in ways that I did not foresee. As for the I told you so's, I ignore you. My life, my lessons.
But what about my lesson? Don't compromise your beliefs for anyone, because regret is most haunting. Who are you if your compromise yourself in such a way? You cannot trust someone to protect and honor your beliefs. You must protect yourself.
But how do your protect yourself and still love?
Haha it seems like my common answer huh?
But its most interesting. All things seem to point towards getting to know the Lord and finding self-worth in that. But I am reluctant and I struggle. I get caught up in the rules and the guilt. I wish I could understand and accept the true meaning of the whole thing, the part about Grace and an ever forgiving and loving Father. The one who died for us to free us from the bondage of sin. Haha, I talk like I know, but I still don't full grasp or understand it.
I have the rest of my life though. I need to remember that this is a journey. Know God first, and it will change you in liberating ways. Its fills the void better than alcohol or sex or any of the other things that people fill that emptiness with. Its deep and I believe that it will satisfy the emptiness. Everyone gets tired of the shallow eventually. They will eventually want something deeper and meaningful.
I used to cry when I was alone as a baby. I would rather be spanked than to have to go to my room for a time-out. I don't like being single. I never really have. I want to share my heart with people and have them share theirs with me.
But here I am, more alone than ever.
But who is here with me? God.
I'm scared to show God my heart. I know that he already knows all the intimate parts of my heart...I mean, he's God...but willingly reveal myself?
Why is it that I am able to fully show my heart to a boy, a mere human, whose love comes and goes with the tides of circumstance, but not show it to God, whose love is unconditional and does not go away at the first sight of difficulty?
You remember the movie the Santa Clause? Poor Charlie was trying to convince everyone that he and Tim Allen really did travel to the North Pole and turn into Santa. I do not really remember when it was exactly said, but I believe the head elf, Bernard, said this:
"Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing."
Now I never really thought that this quote would be so true and applicable in life when I was 8 years old. But this is true. How can you have faith in something you cannot see?
But I suppose that is the thing about faith. Its a choice to follow and believe something that you do not know or understand fully, nor do you know the outcome. It's scary. But once you have established some faith, you will then be able to "see". Believing is seeing.
Now, its interesting when you lose faith in someone. It sends you into a tailspin. What is safe to believe in in this world? Believing in your fellow human is something that I believe we should all do, however, its too risky to invest in that fully. Losing faith in someone can really shake you, and in that you try desperately to place your faith on solid ground.
I'm searching for solid ground, and the most solid and withstanding ground is God. God is solid, but not my faith so much. I can tell that faith will not come easy to me when it comes to God. I feel ashamed by this. I have a hard time putting my faith in something that I cannot see or make sense of. I feel so guilty. Its scary.
Its not like I don't have some sense of the answers. But I do not always live out what I say. I feel so far away from it sometimes. I feel panicky when I don't live up, and this anxiety pushes me away sometimes. Maybe I expect too much of myself at this point in my faith. Maybe.
Or maybe I need to just mellow out. I suppose I do not need to figure everything out at once.
On a lighter note, I really want to do a christmas charity. I would like to make christmas presents for kids who can't afford them and work in the food bank. I want to do something helpful and good for the soul.
I could use some christmas cheer in my life. This birthday and christmas may be a rough one for me. Pray for peace.
Dear God, Please bring peace to our hearts, knowing that you are in our corner. Please help me trust in your plan. I'm struggling. Please help those around me to be patient with me as I try to work things out. I don't mean to be a burden, I wish I could be happy for them. I'm working on it. Love,
I will forget those who forget me. There is no point in fretting over someone who does not worry about you. I don't want to waste my life worrying about someone who no longer wishes to know me or give me the time of day.
I hate Love.
The truth is that it is over. There is nothing left to say or do. Some things just end, with no reason. People fall out of love. One person moves on while another is still in it. "when a heart breaks no it don't break even". It is a really sad reality, but has been my reality for the past few months. I was foolish to think it would last any longer. I was foolish to love and give so much of myself to a dead end relationship. I didn't want to believe it was a dead end relationship because I regarded it as something that could weather anything, but I was just foolish. We were just fresh out of high school, of course it wasn't going to last. FOOLISH. Being so deep in something like that is just plain FOOLISH. I almost wish it had never happened sometimes. I don't understand why I can't just get over it. He doesn't deserve my time or my tears because he doesn't want to love me.
Well, I was told by a friend that it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. It would seem that I have 7 months to go, but I plan to cut that in half.
I deactivated my facebook for the time being, so if anyone needs me, email me.
Haha, the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.
"Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all? Sam: You really want to know? Daniel: I really want to know. Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help? Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah. Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love. Daniel: Sorry? Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it. Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love? Sam: No. Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved. Sam: Why? Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse. Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love? Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony"
These last few months have been really dramatic. It has been demanded of me by my circumstances to learn how to be in college, be on my own, be a better student, and be single, all at once. I have had to readjust my whole thinking of how I am to approach my life, and I'm freaking out. I feel as if myself and the things in my life are just out of control. I like to have control over what is going on in my life, and change can feel so out of control. Change, true in nature and habit, has turned things upside down, and for the last few months I have been a neurotic mess.
What I have discovered is that when things get traumatic and complex, people search to simplify their lives and turn life black-and-white, when in reality it is gray. The context in which I have seen this happen is in terms of religion, but I believe that it is a true occurrence in many other aspects of my life. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to figure out or make sense of a relationship, the nature of christianity and religion, how I am going to have fun in college without feeling shameful, how to make friends, how to be self-sufficient, how to improve myself, and how to forget someone who has or is going to forget you. How exhausting. I have been trying to place all these issues into little boxes with little labels so that I may be able to store them neatly in the back of my mind and out of sight. Sure, I may have said that life isn't black and white, but then why do I still exhaust myself trying to make it something it is not?
Because I want to have control over these parts of my life, even though in reality, I really have very little control. The reason why I so desperately want to have control is because I let the state of my circumstances control my general happiness.
So first off, I am going to take a HUGE dose of chill. I need to relax. I have the REST OF MY LIFE to figure some of these things out.
And there are some things that are truly out of my control.
So why spend this time worrying about some of these things? What I do have control over is how I handle myself and what I choose to get me down.
So goal for this week? RELAX. Take a very well deserved break from the questions, self evaluation and scrutiny, and the "what ifs". Just CHILL OUT.
And hopefully, I will find peace in my mind and maybe even in my soul, knowing that life is messy. Things are not black and white, and they are not supposed to be. What a boring world we would live in if things were so simple. Just as messy as it makes life, I also believe that it can make things quite wonderful and deep, below the surface of the simply two-dimensional.
I will have plenty of time later to worry about life, but right now I am still in that grace period before the real world, and I'm sure there will be plenty to worry about in the real world. I don't want to burn myself out before the really hard stuff begins.
Knowing me, I will probably wake up tomorrow and I will be stressing about something. I will fail at this. But at least I am conscious that I need to stop running, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and look around at all the beautiful things that are happening in the now. And with that starts the process...
And to just make things more interesting, I found this post from another site. It has some great tips on making life a little more simple. I like 49 and 55.
I would just like to leave a thought of mine with you. Its not like I'm the first to think it, but I feel its worthy to write down.
You cannot make or convince someone to love you. Most of the time its not real. What is real is one coming to love without being nudged or without being convinced. Their heart was not won over by your words or reasons as to why one would should love you. Their heart came to it on its own.
In many ways, I believe that this is what God's love is like in its purist form. As humans, we cannot completely and unconditionally love someone. I'm not an expert, I have not done all of my research, but it is my understanding that God's heart didn't need winning over. It was there before we could do any harm.
I would like to learn how to love like that though. I mean, what a gift. I want to be kind and gentle and compassionate, yet someone that can be relied on. I would like to learn how to do this. I'm not perfect, I will never be able to be that all the time, I'm only human. But I would like to try.
I can feel myself changing. It is a good change, progression, not regression. I'm eager to learn more. However, I need to not get ahead of myself and try to fix everything at once. I still have issues with some subjects, and I have an issue with stubbornness. I don't like to be told what to do. But, I can feel things softening. I can feel a small glimmer of peace knowing that I have the Big Man in the Sky in my corner, loving me and protecting me. Despite religious organizations and people pushing me, I can feel myself coming to it on my own. Without nudging or forcing or convincing by earthly mediums.
Gah, I'm exhausted! I wish that I could have some simple, quiet times in my mind. Maybe I should take up meditation...
I had my last test today for a while, and afterwards I got the cleaning/rearranging bug.
There is only so much you can do with a dorm room. It is my retreat in the crazy college life, and I believe that it reflects much of who I am. Its organized, maybe SLIGHTLY cluttered, and even mismatched.
While searching through the newly discovered world of blogging, it was shared with me this one blog called Chatting at the Sky by a lovely woman named Emily. This blog is "a place for your soul to breathe". Over the past two days, I have been reading her old blogs on Grace, and I am thoroughly intrigued. I didn't realize there was so much to this idea of Grace that gets thrown around. She discusses grace in relationships, friendships, marriage, parenting, what it looks like and what it doesn't and so much more. I have yet to finish all 31 Days of Grace, but I am excited to delve into the subject. She is a gifted and relatable writer. If anyone would like to see what I am talking about, click on the link below.
One particular post from day 6 really hit me hard. God is good with his timing. After all of my fretting over the question of "Am I okay" from earlier today, I read this post by Emily, and it is about extending Grace to yourself. It almost made me cry because that is also me she is talking about. I get so frustrated with myself. Thank you Emily.