Content with lonliness

I have never been comfortable being alone.

I used to cry when I was alone as a baby. I would rather be spanked than to have to go to my room for a time-out. I don't like being single. I never really have. I want to share my heart with people and have them share theirs with me.

But here I am, more alone than ever.

But who is here with me? God.

I'm scared to show God my heart. I know that he already knows all the intimate parts of my heart...I mean, he's God...but willingly reveal myself?

Why is it that I am able to fully show my heart to a boy, a mere human, whose love comes and goes with the tides of circumstance, but not show it to God, whose love is unconditional and does not go away at the first sight of difficulty?

Faith.

You remember the movie the Santa Clause? Poor Charlie was trying to convince everyone that he and Tim Allen really did travel to the North Pole and turn into Santa. I do not really remember when it was exactly said, but I believe the head elf, Bernard, said this:

"Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing."

Now I never really thought that this quote would be so true and applicable in life when I was 8 years old. But this is true. How can you have faith in something you cannot see?

But I suppose that is the thing about faith. Its a choice to follow and believe something that you do not know or understand fully, nor do you know the outcome. It's scary. But once you have established some faith, you will then be able to "see". Believing is seeing.

Now, its interesting when you lose faith in someone. It sends you into a tailspin. What is safe to believe in in this world? Believing in your fellow human is something that I believe we should all do, however, its too risky to invest in that fully. Losing faith in someone can really shake you, and in that you try desperately to place your faith on solid ground.

I'm searching for solid ground, and the most solid and withstanding ground is God. God is solid, but not my faith so much. I can tell that faith will not come easy to me when it comes to God. I feel ashamed by this. I have a hard time putting my faith in something that I cannot see or make sense of. I feel so guilty. Its scary.

Its not like I don't have some sense of the answers. But I do not always live out what I say. I feel so far away from it sometimes. I feel panicky when I don't live up, and this anxiety pushes me away sometimes. Maybe I expect too much of myself at this point in my faith. Maybe.

Or maybe I need to just mellow out. I suppose I do not need to figure everything out at once. 


On a lighter note, I really want to do a christmas charity. I would like to make christmas presents for kids who can't afford them and work in the food bank. I want to do something helpful and good for the soul.


I could use some christmas cheer in my life. This birthday and christmas may be a rough one for me. Pray for peace. 


Dear God,
Please bring peace to our hearts, knowing that you are in our corner. Please help me trust in your plan. I'm struggling. Please help those around me to be patient with me as I try to work things out. I don't mean to be a burden, I wish I could be happy for them. I'm working on it. 
Love,


Livi