Run from it or learn from it?

I find it quite unnerving that I can feel myself straying from what God wants me to do. 


I just seem to feel it in my chest. Something isn't lining up. Something is right. 


And I sense that the inevitable is coming. It looms and lurks behind my shaky joy and happiness. I know what I am supposed to do, even though it something I so desperately don't want to do. I run away from it. I convince myself that I can control my path and how things are going to turn out. I talk myself into the reality I want. 
But its not reality. Its a delusion. 
And, just as I knew somewhere in my mind and heart, things fall apart for the tenth time. I knew it was going to happen. The foundation of my momentary happiness was unsure and confused. It wants to be in two places at once. It doesn't know what it wants.


And here I am. I knew it would end this way. And somehow I allowed myself to place my joy on this shaky surface. Only a fool does such a thing time and time again. 


I have taken my eyes off the road in front of me. I look behind me. I have tripped and fallen down. And once again, I am grasping for the strong hand of Jesus to help me up, dust me off, and continue. Its happened so many times this semester. 


When will this cycle stop? When will I decide to not look back and continue looking forward, following this life that God has planned for me. Obviously that is not a part of the plan right now. It may be in the future, or there may be something better. But right now, it is not. 


How can I fearlessly look forward and not let go of God's hand and stray?


I have received some wonderful encouragement from some truly lovely women today. Their words made me cry. 

 "Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."