I messed up.




These last few months have been really dramatic. It has been demanded of me by my circumstances to learn how to be in college, be on my own, be a better student, and be single, all at once. I have had to readjust my whole thinking of how I am to approach my life, and I'm freaking out. I feel as if myself and the things in my life are just out of control. I like to have control over what is going on in my life, and change can feel so out of control. Change, true in nature and habit, has turned things upside down, and for the last few months I have been a neurotic mess.

What I have discovered is that when things get traumatic and complex, people search to simplify their lives and turn life black-and-white, when in reality it is gray. The context in which I have seen this happen is in terms of religion, but I believe that it is a true occurrence in many other aspects of my life. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to figure out or make sense of a relationship, the nature of christianity and religion, how I am going to have fun in college without feeling shameful, how to make friends, how to be self-sufficient, how to improve myself, and how to forget someone who has or is going to forget you. How exhausting. I have been trying to place all these issues into little boxes with little labels so that I may be able to store them neatly in the back of my mind and out of sight. Sure, I may have said that life isn't black and white, but then why do I still exhaust myself trying to make it something it is not?


Because I want to have control over these parts of my life, even though in reality, I really have very little control. The reason why I so desperately want to have control is because I let the state of my circumstances control my general happiness.


So first off, I am going to take a HUGE dose of chill. I need to relax. 
I have the REST OF MY LIFE to figure some of these things out.

And there are some things that are truly out of my control.


So why spend this time worrying about some of these things? What I do have control over is how I handle myself and what I choose to get me down.


So goal for this week? RELAX. Take a very well deserved break from the questions, self evaluation and scrutiny, and the "what ifs". Just CHILL OUT. 


And hopefully, I will find peace in my mind and maybe even in my soul, knowing that life is messy. Things are not black and white, and they are not supposed to be. What a boring world we would live in if things were so simple. Just as messy as it makes life, I also believe that it can make things quite wonderful and deep, below the surface of the simply two-dimensional. 


I will have plenty of time later to worry about life, but right now I am still in that grace period before the real world, and I'm sure there will be plenty to worry about in the real world. I don't want to burn myself out before the really hard stuff begins. 


Knowing me, I will probably wake up tomorrow and I will be stressing about something. I will fail at this. But at least I am conscious that I need to stop running, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and look around at all the beautiful things that are happening in the now. And with that starts the process...


And to just make things more interesting, I found this post from another site. It has some great tips on making life a little more simple. I like 49 and 55. 


http://www.marcandangel.com/2010/11/01/60-ways-to-make-life-simple-again/

Probably true, but does it diminish its significance?

"First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity." 

-- George Bernard Shaw

Or, does it make it all the more richer and fun?

I would just like to leave a thought of mine with you. Its not like I'm the first to think it, but I feel its worthy to write down.


You cannot make or convince someone to love you. Most of the time its not real. What is real is one coming to love without being nudged or without being convinced. Their heart was not won over by your words or reasons as to why one would should love you. Their heart came to it on its own.

In many ways, I believe that this is what God's love is like in its purist form. As humans, we cannot completely and unconditionally love someone. I'm not an expert, I have not done all of my research, but it is my understanding that God's heart didn't need winning over. It was there before we could do any harm.

I would like to learn how to love like that though. I mean, what a gift. I want to be kind and gentle and compassionate, yet someone that can be relied on. I would like to learn how to do this. I'm not perfect, I will never be able to be that all the time, I'm only human. But I would like to try.

I can feel myself changing. It is a good change, progression, not regression. I'm eager to learn more. However, I need to not get ahead of myself and try to fix everything at once. I still have issues with some subjects, and I have an issue with stubbornness. I don't like to be told what to do. But, I can feel things softening. I can feel a small glimmer of peace knowing that I have the Big Man in the Sky in my corner, loving me and protecting me. Despite religious organizations and people pushing me, I can feel myself coming to it on my own. Without nudging or forcing or convincing by earthly mediums.

Gah, I'm exhausted! I wish that I could have some simple, quiet times in my mind. Maybe I should take up meditation...

This is my temporary home.

I had my last test today for a while, and afterwards I got the cleaning/rearranging bug. 

There is only so much you can do with a dorm room. It is my retreat in the crazy college life, and I believe that it reflects much of who I am. Its organized, maybe SLIGHTLY cluttered, and even mismatched.

Its not much, but I'm proud of it. 

Grace?

While searching through the newly discovered world of blogging, it was shared with me this one blog called Chatting at the Sky by a lovely woman named Emily. This blog is "a place for your soul to breathe". Over the past two days, I have been reading her old blogs on Grace, and I am thoroughly intrigued. I didn't realize there was so much to this idea of Grace that gets thrown around. She discusses grace in relationships, friendships, marriage, parenting, what it looks like and what it doesn't and so much more. I have yet to finish all 31 Days of Grace, but I am excited to delve into the subject. She is a gifted and relatable writer. If anyone would like to see what I am talking about, click on the link below.

http://www.chattingatthesky.com/

I highly suggest it! Its really comforting.

One particular post from day 6 really hit me hard. God is good with his timing.  After all of my fretting over the question of "Am I okay" from earlier today, I read this post by Emily, and it is about extending Grace to yourself. It almost made me cry because that is also me she is talking about. I get so frustrated with myself. Thank you Emily.

http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/these-are-the-days-of-grace.html

Broken? Not so much?

One thing that I have really struggled with for the last two years is figuring out how to deal with the idea of alcohol, where I fit in with people who make the choice to drink, and what choice I make for my self in regards to alcohol and what that says about me. Sure, its easy to say that you are going to make the choice to not find self-worth in drinking, or for me, self-worth in the fact you don't drink. However, its harder to look at yourself and say "I am okay" when your peers do it. One could observe that this is the classic peer pressure situation, and I don't deny it. However, for me I find it a little more complex. Is it right to find self-worth in the fact that you don't drink? Or is the choice not to drink simply a side-effect of a much more significant life-style decision about what you value and how you interact with people?


Last night some friends and I went to a halloween bash at the local dance hall. The dance hall was customarily dark and was jam packed with girls in slutty butterfly costumes and guys with beer down their shirts. As one could expect, there was plenty of...how do I say this without sounding like a 12 year old...dirty dancing and "uninhibited sexual interactions" among the party-goers. Haha, I am not ignorant to the fact that this takes place, and this is not the first time I have delved into this realm. After about 10 minutes of dancing with friends, a young man prowling for the opportunity to grind with a random chick was hovering around us. Upon examining this guy further, it was obvious that he was way passed the point of being tipsy. He looked smashed. At one point, this young man made an attempt to grab my hand in pursuit to dance with me. Now, I don't know about you, and this could just be because I wasn't drunk enough to be down with having a slobbering club prowler rub all up on me, but I subtly jerked my hand away from this young mans grasp and boogied my way to a "safe distance" haha. 10 minutes later, my friend thought she lost her iphone 4 on the dance floor, which quite frankly freaked everyone out, and soon after we agreed that we weren't having fun and we left the dance hall. 


As we were walking back to my side of campus, I began to feel really stupid and low as my mind formed a bunch of "why" questions in my head. WHY on earth did I not find that fun? WHY did I not want to dance with that  guy? Its not like I'll ever see him again, right? Is there something wrong with me that I didn't find that fun? Am I no fun? WHY is it that so many of my friends actively pursue this? Am I over-thinking it too much? Was I supposed to be mindless about it? Whats the big deal about getting a little tipsy so I could have some fun in a situation like that? Am I immature? Am I more mature? Am I...BROKEN somehow? Am I Okay? GAH HOW EXHAUSTING!!!!


After sleeping on it and laying in bed this morning pondering it over, I slowly began to come to some sense as to why I didn't find this so much fun. I think I went through my slutty-girl phase back in my sophomore year in high school. I danced with multiple boys in one night and kissed multiple boys another night without guilt or worry. For the most part, it was mild stuff, but I do recall that my mindset about it was based on the fact that I enjoyed the attention and the process of figuring out what all this stuff was about. Then I met a boy and things changed. For the last two years I had been a part of a significant relationship that was probably beyond my years. For me, it was deeper than anything I saw last night. How do I go from being in a deep and significant relationship to dancing with a complete drunken stranger without feeling weird about it? I don't. Maybe it will take time for me to be in a different mindset where this could happen, but in all honesty, I do not think I will ever find getting drunk and mindlessly dancing with other drunken strangers fun. I have never really gone through life mindlessly doing things, and I honestly think that is just who I am. Progression, not regression. 


Also, I do believe that a bar-like situation is a more intense side of the college drinking culture than simply a party. Perhaps I was in over my head. Thats okay, At least I know THAT isn't for me. 


But I believe there is an even deeper lesson to be learned through this, and that is to be a peace with where you are in life. I desperately pray for peace in my heart, mind, and soul. In all honesty, if I step back and look at the subject of alcohol in the bigger picture of life, it really is insignificant. I have more fun sitting around watching a movie with a bunch of friends than I do getting tipsy, and I need to be at peace with that and accept that thats just who I am. I am okay. I am not broken, and its not an issue of whether I am more mature or not mature or whatever. I do not need to compare myself to my peers so harshly. I am okay.

Please pray that my mind (which has a tendency to over think such things) finds peace. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

—John 16:33 

TRIO!!!

These are my best darling friends.

Me, Rachie-poo, and Ray-Ray. 

 

We all met in middle school, and in high school we became best friends.

We're all quite goofy. 

We jump for joy.

We dress up.

We eat and drink.

These are my best friends.

My BBFL and My Baboo.

 "A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses." 

- Proverbs 27:19