"No one laughs at God in a hospital/No one laughs at God in a war. . . Because you can be apathetic about God for only so long. There comes a point where you have to decide what you believe, who you trust, where you’ll make your safe place. "
-Emily at http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2010/11/08/on-grieving-with-those-teenage-girls/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+ChattingAtTheSky+(chatting+at+the+sky)&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

How foolish of me to be so full of you.

I will forget those who forget me. There is no point in fretting over someone who does not worry about you. I don't want to waste my life worrying about someone who no longer wishes to know me or give me the time of day.

I hate Love.

The truth is that it is over. There is nothing left to say or do. Some things just end, with no reason. People fall out of love. One person moves on while another is still in it. "when a heart breaks no it don't break even". It is a really sad reality, but has been my reality for the past few months. I was foolish to think it would last any longer. I was foolish to love and give so much of myself to a dead end relationship. I didn't want to believe it was a dead end relationship because I regarded it as something that could weather anything, but I was just foolish. We were just fresh out of high school, of course it wasn't going to last. FOOLISH. Being so deep in something like that is just plain FOOLISH. I almost wish it had never happened sometimes. I don't understand why I can't just get over it. He doesn't deserve my time or my tears because he doesn't want to love me.

Well, I was told by a friend that it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. It would seem that I have 7 months to go, but I plan to cut that in half.

I deactivated my facebook for the time being, so if anyone needs me, email me.

Haha, the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.

"Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony"


-Love Actually


I'm definitely watching this one later.

Pray for peace.

I messed up.




These last few months have been really dramatic. It has been demanded of me by my circumstances to learn how to be in college, be on my own, be a better student, and be single, all at once. I have had to readjust my whole thinking of how I am to approach my life, and I'm freaking out. I feel as if myself and the things in my life are just out of control. I like to have control over what is going on in my life, and change can feel so out of control. Change, true in nature and habit, has turned things upside down, and for the last few months I have been a neurotic mess.

What I have discovered is that when things get traumatic and complex, people search to simplify their lives and turn life black-and-white, when in reality it is gray. The context in which I have seen this happen is in terms of religion, but I believe that it is a true occurrence in many other aspects of my life. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to figure out or make sense of a relationship, the nature of christianity and religion, how I am going to have fun in college without feeling shameful, how to make friends, how to be self-sufficient, how to improve myself, and how to forget someone who has or is going to forget you. How exhausting. I have been trying to place all these issues into little boxes with little labels so that I may be able to store them neatly in the back of my mind and out of sight. Sure, I may have said that life isn't black and white, but then why do I still exhaust myself trying to make it something it is not?


Because I want to have control over these parts of my life, even though in reality, I really have very little control. The reason why I so desperately want to have control is because I let the state of my circumstances control my general happiness.


So first off, I am going to take a HUGE dose of chill. I need to relax. 
I have the REST OF MY LIFE to figure some of these things out.

And there are some things that are truly out of my control.


So why spend this time worrying about some of these things? What I do have control over is how I handle myself and what I choose to get me down.


So goal for this week? RELAX. Take a very well deserved break from the questions, self evaluation and scrutiny, and the "what ifs". Just CHILL OUT. 


And hopefully, I will find peace in my mind and maybe even in my soul, knowing that life is messy. Things are not black and white, and they are not supposed to be. What a boring world we would live in if things were so simple. Just as messy as it makes life, I also believe that it can make things quite wonderful and deep, below the surface of the simply two-dimensional. 


I will have plenty of time later to worry about life, but right now I am still in that grace period before the real world, and I'm sure there will be plenty to worry about in the real world. I don't want to burn myself out before the really hard stuff begins. 


Knowing me, I will probably wake up tomorrow and I will be stressing about something. I will fail at this. But at least I am conscious that I need to stop running, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and look around at all the beautiful things that are happening in the now. And with that starts the process...


And to just make things more interesting, I found this post from another site. It has some great tips on making life a little more simple. I like 49 and 55. 


http://www.marcandangel.com/2010/11/01/60-ways-to-make-life-simple-again/

Probably true, but does it diminish its significance?

"First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity." 

-- George Bernard Shaw

Or, does it make it all the more richer and fun?

I would just like to leave a thought of mine with you. Its not like I'm the first to think it, but I feel its worthy to write down.


You cannot make or convince someone to love you. Most of the time its not real. What is real is one coming to love without being nudged or without being convinced. Their heart was not won over by your words or reasons as to why one would should love you. Their heart came to it on its own.

In many ways, I believe that this is what God's love is like in its purist form. As humans, we cannot completely and unconditionally love someone. I'm not an expert, I have not done all of my research, but it is my understanding that God's heart didn't need winning over. It was there before we could do any harm.

I would like to learn how to love like that though. I mean, what a gift. I want to be kind and gentle and compassionate, yet someone that can be relied on. I would like to learn how to do this. I'm not perfect, I will never be able to be that all the time, I'm only human. But I would like to try.

I can feel myself changing. It is a good change, progression, not regression. I'm eager to learn more. However, I need to not get ahead of myself and try to fix everything at once. I still have issues with some subjects, and I have an issue with stubbornness. I don't like to be told what to do. But, I can feel things softening. I can feel a small glimmer of peace knowing that I have the Big Man in the Sky in my corner, loving me and protecting me. Despite religious organizations and people pushing me, I can feel myself coming to it on my own. Without nudging or forcing or convincing by earthly mediums.

Gah, I'm exhausted! I wish that I could have some simple, quiet times in my mind. Maybe I should take up meditation...

This is my temporary home.

I had my last test today for a while, and afterwards I got the cleaning/rearranging bug. 

There is only so much you can do with a dorm room. It is my retreat in the crazy college life, and I believe that it reflects much of who I am. Its organized, maybe SLIGHTLY cluttered, and even mismatched.

Its not much, but I'm proud of it. 

Grace?

While searching through the newly discovered world of blogging, it was shared with me this one blog called Chatting at the Sky by a lovely woman named Emily. This blog is "a place for your soul to breathe". Over the past two days, I have been reading her old blogs on Grace, and I am thoroughly intrigued. I didn't realize there was so much to this idea of Grace that gets thrown around. She discusses grace in relationships, friendships, marriage, parenting, what it looks like and what it doesn't and so much more. I have yet to finish all 31 Days of Grace, but I am excited to delve into the subject. She is a gifted and relatable writer. If anyone would like to see what I am talking about, click on the link below.

http://www.chattingatthesky.com/

I highly suggest it! Its really comforting.

One particular post from day 6 really hit me hard. God is good with his timing.  After all of my fretting over the question of "Am I okay" from earlier today, I read this post by Emily, and it is about extending Grace to yourself. It almost made me cry because that is also me she is talking about. I get so frustrated with myself. Thank you Emily.

http://www.incourage.me/2010/10/these-are-the-days-of-grace.html