Things are never as bad as they are at 4 a.m.

And with that said, I am proud to say that I feel a little better in the light of day, with people awake and busy.

It doesn't matter anymore. Its over and dead. I can now move on and forget.


Although I will never be able to forget, but right now it is a nice idea. 


I am so thankful for my family. I love them so much. I cannot wait to see them, back in home and in California. I need family. 


Life is okay. I need to remember that at 4 a.m. and prevent myself from being so impulsive.


I am happy for him if he has found someone better. I'm looking for the same. 


We are all just humans trying to figure it out.


On a lighter note, 5 days until I get to go home!! I cannot wait!

I simply remember my favorite things

A good nights sleep: It rarely feels like I get a good nights sleep, even though I can get 8 hours. I still wake up feeling exhausted. I mostly attribute this to college stress. But when I do wake up feeling rested, I feel as if I can do anything!

A black gel ink pen: I love writing notes with this pen. I write in cursive alot and this pen makes my letters look even. Also, the richness of this black contrasts very nicely with the white notebook paper I write on. 

A clean piece of notebook paper: This is another one of my favorite things. When you turn a page in your notebook, and you stare at the clean, uncrinkled piece of paper with its blue and pink lines, with the black gel ink pen in hand, I cannot wait to fill it with notes! A clean piece of paper probably motivates me the most when I am about to start studying. 

Newly dressed bed: What is better than slipping into fresh sheets after a long day?

Hot Coffee: Enough said.

Singing with your best friend in the Car: I love that when you sing with your best friend in the car...and I mean your BEST friend. There is no judgement on how off key you are or how bad you harmonize. Instead of worrying about getting lyrics wrong, you guys both laugh and go with it. There is no pressure to be perfect. We're just both content in the music and our creativity. You sing your heart out. When you are truly comfortable with someone, you'll sing infront of them. 

Howdy! : A good howdy, a smile, and a double-take from a cute corp guy is enough to put a smile on my face for the next 2 minutes. I love the quad.

A good smelling boy: Now, I don't mean that one should take a "french bath" or whatever its called and douse themselves with strong cologne, or worse, axe, but a clean and slightly scented male is always a very good and enjoyable thing. It shows that one cares about their personal hygiene. Also, this welcomes many lingering hugs from females :)

Crochet accessories: They're just pretty and they have a hand-made, hard worked feel.

A good prayer: Its sometimes like talking with your best friend, and afterwards you feel free-er and lighter. When I think of God, I don't think of a glowing dude in robes (sounds like a mix between Edward Cullen and Harry Potter.. EW!!). Have you ever seen Joan of Arcadia? God manifests himself as many different kinds of people: A little girl on a playground, an old woman on a bus, a janitor. Its an interesting concept. I imagine God as a loving figure with wisdom and kindness. He is not about punishment or guilt. He is about grace and understanding and unconditional love. 

A little kids hug: I love it when they throw their little arms around your neck and bury their head in your shoulder. They are so innocent and adorable.

Changing of leaves in the Fall: The colors are magnificent. I really feel like God uses some dramatic artistry here. Very nice God. 

When my Dog curls next to me and rests his head in my lap: This is especially nice when there is no food present. It means that he really just wants to be with me, not because he knows he can sucker me up and have me feed him.

Holding hands and a head on the shoulder: Its almost a vulnerable gesture, but it is okay. Its resting and finding comfort in another's presence. 

Christmas lights: I LOVE driving around at night with hot cocoa, looking at all the neighborhood lights, with christmas music playing in the background. 

A soft, light, and tender kiss: One where you can feel the care and love in it.One that makes you dizzy. One that makes you feel cherished.

And then I don't feel so bad.

Saying you're Sorry

Just a thought. 

Talks, walks, and math

Today was a day of good company. I hung out with a new friend, met up with an old friend, and I even passed a friendly face. Friends are truly a gift from the Big Man Upstairs.

I can still feel it creeping in sometimes. I'm still too far in the situation to have perspective and insight, to see the bigger picture. I sometime wish I could just fast forward to this time next year and be over the painful, tender, and meticulous process of picking up the pieces of your heart.

But I was told by a friend who went through a similar situation that you come out of it stronger, wiser, and even more lovely than before. You can't see the forest from the trees (or something like that). I still can't believe that I may never share that with him, but "things fall apart so better things can fall together"...

Well, I pray for perspective. I don't want anyone to feed it to me, I won't believe it or accept it until I feel it for myself.

I am coming to peace with the idea that there is nothing wrong with me. The Livi-loathing boogie man is wrong. I am beautiful. There is nothing wrong with me.

And another thing. If someone truly loves you, they would not ask you to compromise yourself or your beliefs. As for me, I made the compromise because I loved, but look where that got me? Broken and hurt in ways that I did not foresee. As for the I told you so's, I ignore you. My life, my lessons.

But what about my lesson? Don't compromise your beliefs for anyone, because regret is most haunting. Who are you if your compromise yourself in such a way? You cannot trust someone to protect and honor your beliefs. You must protect yourself.

But how do your protect yourself and still love?

Well...God.

Haha it seems like my common answer huh?

But its most interesting. All things seem to point towards getting to know the Lord and finding self-worth in that. But I am reluctant and I struggle. I get caught up in the rules and the guilt. I wish I could understand and accept the true meaning of the whole thing, the part about Grace and an ever forgiving and loving Father. The one who died for us to free us from the bondage of sin. Haha, I talk like I know, but I still don't full grasp or understand it.

I have the rest of my life though. I need to remember that this is a journey. Know God first, and it will change you in liberating ways. Its fills the void better than alcohol or sex or any of the other things that people fill that emptiness with. Its deep and I believe that it will satisfy the emptiness. Everyone gets tired of the shallow eventually. They will eventually want something deeper and meaningful.

Whew.

Well, Goodnight.

Content with lonliness

I have never been comfortable being alone.

I used to cry when I was alone as a baby. I would rather be spanked than to have to go to my room for a time-out. I don't like being single. I never really have. I want to share my heart with people and have them share theirs with me.

But here I am, more alone than ever.

But who is here with me? God.

I'm scared to show God my heart. I know that he already knows all the intimate parts of my heart...I mean, he's God...but willingly reveal myself?

Why is it that I am able to fully show my heart to a boy, a mere human, whose love comes and goes with the tides of circumstance, but not show it to God, whose love is unconditional and does not go away at the first sight of difficulty?

Faith.

You remember the movie the Santa Clause? Poor Charlie was trying to convince everyone that he and Tim Allen really did travel to the North Pole and turn into Santa. I do not really remember when it was exactly said, but I believe the head elf, Bernard, said this:

"Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing."

Now I never really thought that this quote would be so true and applicable in life when I was 8 years old. But this is true. How can you have faith in something you cannot see?

But I suppose that is the thing about faith. Its a choice to follow and believe something that you do not know or understand fully, nor do you know the outcome. It's scary. But once you have established some faith, you will then be able to "see". Believing is seeing.

Now, its interesting when you lose faith in someone. It sends you into a tailspin. What is safe to believe in in this world? Believing in your fellow human is something that I believe we should all do, however, its too risky to invest in that fully. Losing faith in someone can really shake you, and in that you try desperately to place your faith on solid ground.

I'm searching for solid ground, and the most solid and withstanding ground is God. God is solid, but not my faith so much. I can tell that faith will not come easy to me when it comes to God. I feel ashamed by this. I have a hard time putting my faith in something that I cannot see or make sense of. I feel so guilty. Its scary.

Its not like I don't have some sense of the answers. But I do not always live out what I say. I feel so far away from it sometimes. I feel panicky when I don't live up, and this anxiety pushes me away sometimes. Maybe I expect too much of myself at this point in my faith. Maybe.

Or maybe I need to just mellow out. I suppose I do not need to figure everything out at once. 


On a lighter note, I really want to do a christmas charity. I would like to make christmas presents for kids who can't afford them and work in the food bank. I want to do something helpful and good for the soul.


I could use some christmas cheer in my life. This birthday and christmas may be a rough one for me. Pray for peace. 


Dear God,
Please bring peace to our hearts, knowing that you are in our corner. Please help me trust in your plan. I'm struggling. Please help those around me to be patient with me as I try to work things out. I don't mean to be a burden, I wish I could be happy for them. I'm working on it. 
Love,


Livi

 "No one laughs at God in a hospital/No one laughs at God in a war. . . Because you can be apathetic about God for only so long. There comes a point where you have to decide what you believe, who you trust, where you’ll make your safe place. "
-Emily at http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2010/11/08/on-grieving-with-those-teenage-girls/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+ChattingAtTheSky+(chatting+at+the+sky)&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

How foolish of me to be so full of you.

I will forget those who forget me. There is no point in fretting over someone who does not worry about you. I don't want to waste my life worrying about someone who no longer wishes to know me or give me the time of day.

I hate Love.

The truth is that it is over. There is nothing left to say or do. Some things just end, with no reason. People fall out of love. One person moves on while another is still in it. "when a heart breaks no it don't break even". It is a really sad reality, but has been my reality for the past few months. I was foolish to think it would last any longer. I was foolish to love and give so much of myself to a dead end relationship. I didn't want to believe it was a dead end relationship because I regarded it as something that could weather anything, but I was just foolish. We were just fresh out of high school, of course it wasn't going to last. FOOLISH. Being so deep in something like that is just plain FOOLISH. I almost wish it had never happened sometimes. I don't understand why I can't just get over it. He doesn't deserve my time or my tears because he doesn't want to love me.

Well, I was told by a friend that it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. It would seem that I have 7 months to go, but I plan to cut that in half.

I deactivated my facebook for the time being, so if anyone needs me, email me.

Haha, the more boys I meet the more I love my dog.

"Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony"


-Love Actually


I'm definitely watching this one later.

Pray for peace.