Thursday, March 17, 2011
What's Left Over
“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
I'm only 20 years old.
And I don't want to lose wonder or the excitement of the things I have yet to experience in my life. But perhaps this lose, or what could be considered a better understanding of reality, is really just growing up. However, is there any room for being surprised? For finding joy in those things that are yet to be experienced?
Before I went to bed, I was reading a book that was recommended to me. Its about love and successful relationships. In hindsight, I do realize this book is aimed for a more life-experienced crowd, but I read the first 3 chapters and couldn't continue because I was almost brought to tears.
Basically, the author of the book laid-out the reasons why relationships fall apart after marriage. In a nutshell, he explained that the beginning of the relationship is the "in love" part, a time where the two are euphorically happy and also rather obsessed with each other. He then went on to explain that this feeling dies after about two years. At this point (chapter two) I was ready to chuck the book across the room and say "F**K YOU!!" to love and marriage and the inevitable pain that would follow after these two years. Now, knowing that there would have to be some kind of up side to this book (or else it would never have been published), I read through chapter three, in which he described the end of these two years as a time where you become more selfish, realize that the other may be annoying, and in total, "fall out of love with each other". Yeah, I wanted to rip the stupid paperback up. What kind of book was this anyways??
The author ended chapter three with the promise that the remaining chapters were a guide to unlock a deep and real love that is more substantial and satisfying beyond the initial "in love" euphoria. I didn't continue because I was already exhausted. I was exhausted because I had just compared my measly experience with love to what the author described, and it made me incredibly sad.
I suppose I am not at a point where I could read such an exposing book on successful love objectively, without comparing it to my own life. For the intended reader, individuals or couples who have suffered a divorce or dysfunction in a current relationship, this book could very well be a helpful guide to turn a relationship for the better. For me however, as a young girl who is single but still healing the wounds of a break-up from a young 3 year relationship, reading these chapters was like spraying peroxide onto a healing but still raw wound. It stung.
I feel like a classic case, a testament to the example of the 2 year "in love" life-span, and how much it can hurt once the "in love" feeling has taken its course. Its even worse when one person wants to continue and hash out the hard part ahead and the other just wants to give up, calls you awkward and makes you feel unattractive, and then moves on. I know it was a blessing in some twisted way that God only knows. But reading this book brings it back up to the surface.
I suppose reading these chapters really made me realize just how much we need God in our relationships and our marriage. How do we survive the end of the "in love" chapter and move on to write the "real love" chapter? I know I am only 19 years old and have limited experience in life, but the only experience I have to learn from spanned across three years and ended around my 19th birthday, and it has been damn hard to heal. It was not because he was anything outstanding, but it was because I wanted to be worth it to him to venture towards the "real love" once we met the end of the "in love", and his rejection made me feel like I wasn't worth it. As I have gotten distance from it, I realize that we were both young and have limited experience to know whether what we shared was something that had more of a life-span, but it doesn't diminish how much I truly liked the boy and how I felt when he told me he no longer cared for me. It felt pretty shattering for a nice chunk of time.
So if it hurt pretty badly now, I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if the stakes were higher; children, money, emotional investment...
We would BOTH need God, understanding that his plan is right, that we were married for better or worse. Worse will come. On some level, I know how it feels after the initial euphoria, and if you and you're partner are not on the same page about your commitment to each other and God, then it could end in heartbreak much more devastating than what I experienced. We need God here, to remind us that he is in control, and he will help us past this transition in the relationship towards an even deeper, real love that battles the everyday reality with children, finances, loss, and life.
I'm going to be honest, I do need to remember how old I am. I am only 19 years old. I am doing SO much better compared to last year. I am finding joy in my life, and I'm slowly working against the little self-loathing voice that is telling me I'm awkward or fat or not worth toughing it out towards a deep love. I have met some incredible people this year, true angels from God, reaffirming that everything once said to me to bring me down isn't true. My life has gone in a direction I didn't expect, but I know that without that experience last year with the break-up, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now, with the lessons learned and the new faith I have in God. I have so many blessings, and I trust that God knows what he's doing.
And on a side note, my parents met at 19, so maybe this subject isn't so far away from me as I thought. You never know.
So, what now?
Remember that I am only 19. I do not need to figure everything out now.
Enjoy the blessings in the here and now.
Don't mull over events and people of the past, and don't worry about the future. God knows what he's doing.
God, I trust you. Thank you for Delta Zeta and the healing that has come through my experiences this year. I know I haven't been easy, but I'm learning.
Peace&Blessings.
Before I went to bed, I was reading a book that was recommended to me. Its about love and successful relationships. In hindsight, I do realize this book is aimed for a more life-experienced crowd, but I read the first 3 chapters and couldn't continue because I was almost brought to tears.
Basically, the author of the book laid-out the reasons why relationships fall apart after marriage. In a nutshell, he explained that the beginning of the relationship is the "in love" part, a time where the two are euphorically happy and also rather obsessed with each other. He then went on to explain that this feeling dies after about two years. At this point (chapter two) I was ready to chuck the book across the room and say "F**K YOU!!" to love and marriage and the inevitable pain that would follow after these two years. Now, knowing that there would have to be some kind of up side to this book (or else it would never have been published), I read through chapter three, in which he described the end of these two years as a time where you become more selfish, realize that the other may be annoying, and in total, "fall out of love with each other". Yeah, I wanted to rip the stupid paperback up. What kind of book was this anyways??
The author ended chapter three with the promise that the remaining chapters were a guide to unlock a deep and real love that is more substantial and satisfying beyond the initial "in love" euphoria. I didn't continue because I was already exhausted. I was exhausted because I had just compared my measly experience with love to what the author described, and it made me incredibly sad.
I suppose I am not at a point where I could read such an exposing book on successful love objectively, without comparing it to my own life. For the intended reader, individuals or couples who have suffered a divorce or dysfunction in a current relationship, this book could very well be a helpful guide to turn a relationship for the better. For me however, as a young girl who is single but still healing the wounds of a break-up from a young 3 year relationship, reading these chapters was like spraying peroxide onto a healing but still raw wound. It stung.
I feel like a classic case, a testament to the example of the 2 year "in love" life-span, and how much it can hurt once the "in love" feeling has taken its course. Its even worse when one person wants to continue and hash out the hard part ahead and the other just wants to give up, calls you awkward and makes you feel unattractive, and then moves on. I know it was a blessing in some twisted way that God only knows. But reading this book brings it back up to the surface.
I suppose reading these chapters really made me realize just how much we need God in our relationships and our marriage. How do we survive the end of the "in love" chapter and move on to write the "real love" chapter? I know I am only 19 years old and have limited experience in life, but the only experience I have to learn from spanned across three years and ended around my 19th birthday, and it has been damn hard to heal. It was not because he was anything outstanding, but it was because I wanted to be worth it to him to venture towards the "real love" once we met the end of the "in love", and his rejection made me feel like I wasn't worth it. As I have gotten distance from it, I realize that we were both young and have limited experience to know whether what we shared was something that had more of a life-span, but it doesn't diminish how much I truly liked the boy and how I felt when he told me he no longer cared for me. It felt pretty shattering for a nice chunk of time.
So if it hurt pretty badly now, I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if the stakes were higher; children, money, emotional investment...
We would BOTH need God, understanding that his plan is right, that we were married for better or worse. Worse will come. On some level, I know how it feels after the initial euphoria, and if you and you're partner are not on the same page about your commitment to each other and God, then it could end in heartbreak much more devastating than what I experienced. We need God here, to remind us that he is in control, and he will help us past this transition in the relationship towards an even deeper, real love that battles the everyday reality with children, finances, loss, and life.
I'm going to be honest, I do need to remember how old I am. I am only 19 years old. I am doing SO much better compared to last year. I am finding joy in my life, and I'm slowly working against the little self-loathing voice that is telling me I'm awkward or fat or not worth toughing it out towards a deep love. I have met some incredible people this year, true angels from God, reaffirming that everything once said to me to bring me down isn't true. My life has gone in a direction I didn't expect, but I know that without that experience last year with the break-up, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now, with the lessons learned and the new faith I have in God. I have so many blessings, and I trust that God knows what he's doing.
And on a side note, my parents met at 19, so maybe this subject isn't so far away from me as I thought. You never know.
So, what now?
Remember that I am only 19. I do not need to figure everything out now.
Enjoy the blessings in the here and now.
Don't mull over events and people of the past, and don't worry about the future. God knows what he's doing.
God, I trust you. Thank you for Delta Zeta and the healing that has come through my experiences this year. I know I haven't been easy, but I'm learning.
Peace&Blessings.
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| That Damn Aggie! |
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| My lovely pledge class '10 |
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| Grand-big Sarah and Big Hayden!! True blessings. |
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| Future Roomie Jessica and the lovely April and Taylor |
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| Beautiful April |
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The lament of a young women among swine.
I am on my way to really disliking the male species.
I would like to believe that there are intentional males out there. If there are, then I pray to God that he at least make one known to me in one way or another that he EXISTS. I do not wish to lose hope.
It sounds to me as if there is major confusion out there among us young women. After talking with some of my girl friends last night, it became apparent that we are freaked out of our minds. We try to treat the polygamist college male as if he is monogamist, and when amazingly a monogamist male attempts to pursue us, we are suspicious that he is polygamist!! Is it the females fault?
I do not wish to become one of those bitter women. When a male only attempts to contact you between 1 and 4 AM, what does he want? I don't pick up the bait, mainly because I AM ASLEEP!! But I wouldn't anyways because there are only three reasons why a boy would contact me in the wee hours of the morning:
A) He is asleep most of the day and those hours are when he is awake.
-It may be true, but is this the sole reason he contacts me at this time? UNLIKELY. This is a sad attempt to give the boy the benefit of the doubt.
B) He is scared to text me during the day because he may actually get to talking to me.
- POSSIBLE. It is my understanding that some males are scared to talk to us females. So he contacts me when I am asleep so he doesn't actually have to talk to me, yet he lets me know that he thought of me at 3 AM? Its kinda laughable, but you what? Some people do this. Is it productive? Not really.
C) He wants some Ass.
-LIKELY. If a male really wishes to get to know me, he would make it happen IN THE DAYTIME WHEN I AM ACTUALLY AWAKE! I have come to believe that the only reason why a male would message me at this time in the morning is in the OFF chance that I am up and sexually frustrated.
D) A combination of all the above.
-Also very likely. Nothing is black and white when it comes to this stuff. Some may not admit to all the above, but deep down it probably is a factor.
Now, I must question this males intelligence if he continues to contact me FOR SIX MONTHS in such a manner and I do not take the bait. GET A HINT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR BOOTY CALL. I am tempted to just tell him to move along and quit wasting his precious text messages of "Hey baby" and "Heyyyy" on a female who is not interested to see what else he has to offer in the bedroom. If he puts as much effort in getting to know me as he would in satisfying me in bed, then I am DEFINITELY NOT INTERESTED. A smart man may figure that one out.
Now I understand that this whole issue is not one that is new. This is the reality that women have faced for CENTURIES. However, its the way that women plays on this male weakness that empowers us to make the men feed out of the palm of our hand.
One could view herself as the victim, or a worthy opponent.
Now, I am not a promiscuous girl, but am I not prude either. I know that what I have to offer is some pretty valuable stuff. I do not, however, wish to cast my pearls among swine. Its not worth my time. I see some of my most precious friends do this, and I also see my most precious friends cry on my lap when they feel broken after. I wish to save myself from this fate and gently encourage my friends to do the same. Don't batter your heart up.
I don't want to miss out on a male who may be intentional because I am suspicious that he may be the opposite. I do not wish to punish such a man for the crimes that other men in my life have committed.
So what is a girl to do?
Date when you are ready, when you have healed.
Don't punish a boy for another boy's wrong doing unto you.
Don't be so naive to believe that every boy is intentional.
DON'T CAST YOUR PEARLS AMONG SWINE.
Trust God that he will put a good man in your life.
I would like to believe that there are intentional males out there. If there are, then I pray to God that he at least make one known to me in one way or another that he EXISTS. I do not wish to lose hope.
It sounds to me as if there is major confusion out there among us young women. After talking with some of my girl friends last night, it became apparent that we are freaked out of our minds. We try to treat the polygamist college male as if he is monogamist, and when amazingly a monogamist male attempts to pursue us, we are suspicious that he is polygamist!! Is it the females fault?
I do not wish to become one of those bitter women. When a male only attempts to contact you between 1 and 4 AM, what does he want? I don't pick up the bait, mainly because I AM ASLEEP!! But I wouldn't anyways because there are only three reasons why a boy would contact me in the wee hours of the morning:
A) He is asleep most of the day and those hours are when he is awake.
-It may be true, but is this the sole reason he contacts me at this time? UNLIKELY. This is a sad attempt to give the boy the benefit of the doubt.
B) He is scared to text me during the day because he may actually get to talking to me.
- POSSIBLE. It is my understanding that some males are scared to talk to us females. So he contacts me when I am asleep so he doesn't actually have to talk to me, yet he lets me know that he thought of me at 3 AM? Its kinda laughable, but you what? Some people do this. Is it productive? Not really.
C) He wants some Ass.
-LIKELY. If a male really wishes to get to know me, he would make it happen IN THE DAYTIME WHEN I AM ACTUALLY AWAKE! I have come to believe that the only reason why a male would message me at this time in the morning is in the OFF chance that I am up and sexually frustrated.
D) A combination of all the above.
-Also very likely. Nothing is black and white when it comes to this stuff. Some may not admit to all the above, but deep down it probably is a factor.
Now, I must question this males intelligence if he continues to contact me FOR SIX MONTHS in such a manner and I do not take the bait. GET A HINT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR BOOTY CALL. I am tempted to just tell him to move along and quit wasting his precious text messages of "Hey baby" and "Heyyyy" on a female who is not interested to see what else he has to offer in the bedroom. If he puts as much effort in getting to know me as he would in satisfying me in bed, then I am DEFINITELY NOT INTERESTED. A smart man may figure that one out.
Now I understand that this whole issue is not one that is new. This is the reality that women have faced for CENTURIES. However, its the way that women plays on this male weakness that empowers us to make the men feed out of the palm of our hand.
One could view herself as the victim, or a worthy opponent.
Now, I am not a promiscuous girl, but am I not prude either. I know that what I have to offer is some pretty valuable stuff. I do not, however, wish to cast my pearls among swine. Its not worth my time. I see some of my most precious friends do this, and I also see my most precious friends cry on my lap when they feel broken after. I wish to save myself from this fate and gently encourage my friends to do the same. Don't batter your heart up.
I don't want to miss out on a male who may be intentional because I am suspicious that he may be the opposite. I do not wish to punish such a man for the crimes that other men in my life have committed.
So what is a girl to do?
Date when you are ready, when you have healed.
Don't punish a boy for another boy's wrong doing unto you.
Don't be so naive to believe that every boy is intentional.
DON'T CAST YOUR PEARLS AMONG SWINE.
Trust God that he will put a good man in your life.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Anyways
"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy over night; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world the best you've got, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."
Mother Teresa
Words I choose to live by.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy over night; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world the best you've got, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway."
Mother Teresa
Words I choose to live by.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Fightin' Texas Aggie Snow Day 2011!
Its not very often that we get a snow day in Texas! With classes cancelled, I ventured out into the wintery aggieland and took my camera out for a spin.
Unfortunately I was freezing and had a sore throat, so my artistic inspiration wasn't coming as easily as I had hoped. These are a few of the best pictures!
Stay Warm!
Unfortunately I was freezing and had a sore throat, so my artistic inspiration wasn't coming as easily as I had hoped. These are a few of the best pictures!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Things I have Learned in 2010
1. Love is incredibly complicated. However there are a few things that should be true...
-"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." 1 Corinthians 13:4
2. Love is blind
3. Even though I went through heartbreak, I can say that I now know a few things that I want out of a MAN, that I dont want out of a MAN, and that I DONT want a BOY. Because that is what he is, a boy.
4. Young men at this age are not very intentional.
5. God cannot be put in a box.
6. Friendships past high school require more of an effort.
7. Religious bodies are not perfect.
8. Everyone has different opinions
9. Don't trust a man.
10. Don't believe a man.
11. Alcohol should not control your life. Nor should drugs.
12. Buying things will not make you feel better.
13. This is more of a question: How can I trust anyone I've just met to be any better than someone who has known me for two years?
14. Anger will help, but it can be hell when you're trying to fall asleep.
15. Revenge is pathetic.
16. I do not want a long distance relationship unless its true love or we're engaged.
17. Even the most beautiful women end up heart broken.
18. Every woman has had a "Cullen" in her life.
19. Karma is a bitch.
20. God is Good and Right.
...
I got a new beautiful camera for Christmas! Here are a few of the best shots I've taken so far!!
-"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." 1 Corinthians 13:4
2. Love is blind
3. Even though I went through heartbreak, I can say that I now know a few things that I want out of a MAN, that I dont want out of a MAN, and that I DONT want a BOY. Because that is what he is, a boy.
4. Young men at this age are not very intentional.
5. God cannot be put in a box.
6. Friendships past high school require more of an effort.
7. Religious bodies are not perfect.
8. Everyone has different opinions
9. Don't trust a man.
10. Don't believe a man.
11. Alcohol should not control your life. Nor should drugs.
12. Buying things will not make you feel better.
13. This is more of a question: How can I trust anyone I've just met to be any better than someone who has known me for two years?
14. Anger will help, but it can be hell when you're trying to fall asleep.
15. Revenge is pathetic.
16. I do not want a long distance relationship unless its true love or we're engaged.
17. Even the most beautiful women end up heart broken.
18. Every woman has had a "Cullen" in her life.
19. Karma is a bitch.
20. God is Good and Right.
...
I got a new beautiful camera for Christmas! Here are a few of the best shots I've taken so far!!
Lord,
Please bless this year and help me count on you throughout it. Please walk with me.
Amen
Thursday, December 16, 2010
My Christmas Wish
The only christmas gift I desire is the one from Papa God.
I really like this name for the Lord because I sometimes feel its much more intimate and personal. He knows me in this way.
I desire the renewal, the replenishing, and the healing of the heart and soul. I wish to find an identity in him.
I ask for peace in my heart, and hope for new things to come, hope that my heart will be repaired, and that I will be joyful again.
I pray that my relationship with Papa God grows this Christmas as I focus on the people and things that really matter, such as:
Papa God
My Mom, Dad, and Brother
My Grandmother
My Aunt Jenny
My darling Cousins (SANTA'S COMING!!)
My Uncle Rich and Aunt Joyce
My Cousin Michael and James
Sandy and her Family
The Manifolds
My Rachie-Poo and Ray-Ray
Megan
Dr. and Mrs. Lobitz
Nick
Mr. Geimer
My dog Riley and Kitties Abby, BJ, and George.
This is what I will put my focus on. I will surround myself with people who will help me and aid in my healing.
And perhaps through that, I can offer something else in return. Hopefully.
I pray that God brings Peace to my heart. I am so weary, and my feelings are all over the place. One moment happy...a few seconds later...sad...
I don't need any more items. Just Papa God's love and grace in my life and the love of my family and friends.
That's my Christmas wish. I hope Papa God will bring you peace this Christmas. After all, we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace...
I really like this name for the Lord because I sometimes feel its much more intimate and personal. He knows me in this way.
I desire the renewal, the replenishing, and the healing of the heart and soul. I wish to find an identity in him.
I ask for peace in my heart, and hope for new things to come, hope that my heart will be repaired, and that I will be joyful again.
I pray that my relationship with Papa God grows this Christmas as I focus on the people and things that really matter, such as:
Papa God
My Mom, Dad, and Brother
My Grandmother
My Aunt Jenny
My darling Cousins (SANTA'S COMING!!)
My Uncle Rich and Aunt Joyce
My Cousin Michael and James
Sandy and her Family
The Manifolds
My Rachie-Poo and Ray-Ray
Megan
Dr. and Mrs. Lobitz
Nick
Mr. Geimer
My dog Riley and Kitties Abby, BJ, and George.
This is what I will put my focus on. I will surround myself with people who will help me and aid in my healing.
And perhaps through that, I can offer something else in return. Hopefully.
I pray that God brings Peace to my heart. I am so weary, and my feelings are all over the place. One moment happy...a few seconds later...sad...
I don't need any more items. Just Papa God's love and grace in my life and the love of my family and friends.
That's my Christmas wish. I hope Papa God will bring you peace this Christmas. After all, we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace...
Also, I'm re-learning the "story" of the birth of Jesus. I know the jist of it, but now that I am older, I want to delve deeper. But I feel like I am learning it for the first time in a way, only from a different perspective.
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